were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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