So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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