last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
