Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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