If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Sober January is a disaster.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
