god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
