is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize