just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize