Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
