Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I did not marry a roomba.
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