I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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