she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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