i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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