My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
