KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
