You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
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