i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
