Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Watching her eat just hurts me
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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