she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
