My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
