there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
