Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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