Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
