I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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