The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
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He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
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I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
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