i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize