DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
whose parrot is this?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Randomize
