you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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