My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I didn't notice because vodka
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Randomize
