im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
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God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
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next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize