Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
