now i know why i became what i already was.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.