Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
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