Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I just gargled with NyQuil
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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