This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
you didnt know i had herpes?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
