I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
