I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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