I skipped work to stalk him.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
