I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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