3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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