new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
