This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
