Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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