All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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