So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
