so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
