saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
