I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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