thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
