Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
