you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
