Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Randomize
