i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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