I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
