i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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