So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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