She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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