I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
