i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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