I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
