I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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